Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
