Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize