I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
