just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
