The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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