my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
