Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize