so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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