I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
