He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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