Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
