And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
