im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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