Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
