Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
