Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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