Pants 0. Shit 1.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
