dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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