I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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