did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
