Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
