I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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