As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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