i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
