i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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