k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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