I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
