Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
