If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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