She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
