It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I believe in your delicious
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
