I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
