Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize