Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
