Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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