I can tuck mytits in my pants
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So squirting runs in the family.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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