I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
this will be a night to untag.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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