I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
