I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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