He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
