Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
