clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize