I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
