i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
