Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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