i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You smell like a Billy Joel song
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize