what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
