okay pat passed out under dana's car
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
