i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
