At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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