Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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