Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
