Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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