Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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