My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Holy sore nipples Batman
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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