those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
