my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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