my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
