Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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