Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
